How to Support Your Teenager
By Ashley Rober, LCSW
I have worked with teenagers for years and there is one sentiment that never fails to come up when talking to parents: “My sweet child has been hijacked! Who is this demon that has taken them over?” Okay, maybe that is a bit extreme, but the general concerns center around teenagers having an increasingly “bad attitude,” being disrespectful, moody, irritable, and/or wanting nothing to do with their parents.
So why is that? Most people assume it has something to do with the hormonal fluctuation that occurs with puberty and they are not entirely wrong. However, it is a bit more complicated than that. For starters, the human brain totally restructures itself during adolescence. Old connections are being pulled apart so that new connections can form with new experiences and information. This process is known as synaptic pruning and it requires a lot of your teen’s energy. When low on energy, people often feel unmotivated, irritable, fatigued, and generally out of sorts.
To intensify the situation, adolescence is also the time where the brain’s circadian rhythm goes bonkers. In other words, thanks to that aforementioned hormonal hijacking known as puberty, teens’ sleep schedules often shift to later sleep and wake times. These times are not congruent with school hours, often leading to a serious deficiency in hours of sleep where the brain can rework and repair itself. Teens need 8-10 hours of sleep a night, but my teenage clients often report getting 4-6 during the school week, some even less during midterm and final exam weeks. Getting half the number of hours of sleep per week would make anyone cranky!
Now hear me out, I know getting your teen on a regular sleep schedule is typically easier said than done. Parents constantly tell me they feel helpless against technology and that their kids would sleep so much more if they just put their cell phones away, and they are right; fighting that battle is tough. Here are some suggestions:
When all else fails and your teen complains and tells you how horrible this is, listen. Then validate. Behavior change is hard for everyone, being a teenager can be really difficult for the above named reasons and more, and sometimes life feels very unfair for us all. Even if you do not have the same feelings on the matter, it really helps teens feel heard when a parent says, “I know this is hard/unfair,” or, “I see that this is difficult for you right now,” and sometimes feeling heard is more important than getting our way. For more listening tips, check out my article How to Be A Good Listener, also available on the Good Therapy San Diego website. If you would like further support, please feel free to reach out and schedule a consultation for individual or family therapy. I would love to help.
So why is that? Most people assume it has something to do with the hormonal fluctuation that occurs with puberty and they are not entirely wrong. However, it is a bit more complicated than that. For starters, the human brain totally restructures itself during adolescence. Old connections are being pulled apart so that new connections can form with new experiences and information. This process is known as synaptic pruning and it requires a lot of your teen’s energy. When low on energy, people often feel unmotivated, irritable, fatigued, and generally out of sorts.
To intensify the situation, adolescence is also the time where the brain’s circadian rhythm goes bonkers. In other words, thanks to that aforementioned hormonal hijacking known as puberty, teens’ sleep schedules often shift to later sleep and wake times. These times are not congruent with school hours, often leading to a serious deficiency in hours of sleep where the brain can rework and repair itself. Teens need 8-10 hours of sleep a night, but my teenage clients often report getting 4-6 during the school week, some even less during midterm and final exam weeks. Getting half the number of hours of sleep per week would make anyone cranky!
Now hear me out, I know getting your teen on a regular sleep schedule is typically easier said than done. Parents constantly tell me they feel helpless against technology and that their kids would sleep so much more if they just put their cell phones away, and they are right; fighting that battle is tough. Here are some suggestions:
- Discuss a reasonable bedtime with your teen. Inform them that their brain needs 8-10 hours to focus in school, take care of their body, and to properly develop their brains. So if they need to be up at 6:00 AM for school, bedtime should be no later than 10:00 PM. Agree on a time together for buy in; teens want to be independent and often don’t take well to, “Do this because I said so.”
- Set an “Unplugged hour” before bed. The blue light emitted from cell phones, tablets, etc. signals to our brain that it is daylight and we need to wake up. If you and your child decide on a 10:00 bedtime, agree that by 9:00 they will put their phone away.
- If you know or suspect that your child is using their phone after agreed upon hours, you should make a plan with them to turn their phone in to you nightly at that hour. Let them know that when they successfully do this for X amount of weeks/months they can earn back the option of keeping their phone overnight.
- Earning privileges is a better way to mold behavior than to punish, or take them away. Always try to phrase this as, “If you do [good behavior], you can earn...” instead of, “You did [bad behavior], so I am taking away...”
- If you are co-parenting, make sure both/all parents are on the same page. Consistency is key!
When all else fails and your teen complains and tells you how horrible this is, listen. Then validate. Behavior change is hard for everyone, being a teenager can be really difficult for the above named reasons and more, and sometimes life feels very unfair for us all. Even if you do not have the same feelings on the matter, it really helps teens feel heard when a parent says, “I know this is hard/unfair,” or, “I see that this is difficult for you right now,” and sometimes feeling heard is more important than getting our way. For more listening tips, check out my article How to Be A Good Listener, also available on the Good Therapy San Diego website. If you would like further support, please feel free to reach out and schedule a consultation for individual or family therapy. I would love to help.