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Healing From an Eating Disorder: Curiosity and Compassion

Perhaps, today, we can allow ourselves to be curious about our internal world. And maybe, just maybe, offer the parts of self some compassion.

OLD WAY: Shame

Who here has attempted to shame themselves into healing? This can look like the many negative things we tell ourselves as an attempt to “encourage” our mind and body into healing:

Shame Statements:

“Just eat (or stop eating)! It is not that hard”
“Why can’t I just be normal with food. Look at everyone else.”
“Today I will be better. I won’t mess up.”
“This eating disorder is bad. It has taken my life. It is disgusting.”

This last example may have even been encouraged in your uphill battle to recover. Historically, hating and/or shaming the eating disorder “away” has been seen as beneficial. “If I hate the disorder or behaviors enough, then I will choose recovery and finally heal.” How has that worked out for you?

The reason this method is rarely successful is because the eating disorder was actually developed for a purpose. It was born to protect you.

Inside Out: Our Protectors

Consider the unpredictably insightful movie, Inside Out. If you have not seen this film before, GO WATCH. But for now, all you need to know is that this animated film takes you inside the mind of a teenage girl where we meet five personified emotions: Disgust, Joy, Anger, Sadness, and Fear (depicted in the image ordered left to right). The magic of this film is that it helps the viewer understand their own inner reality.

Like the teenage girl, Riley, we too have many parts of ourselves that sometimes need help. Maybe a part of us loves drawing, but another part is fearful of criticism. In order to “protect” this part that is distressed, we may develop another part, a Protector.

The Protector may convince you to never show others your drawings or maybe never draw at all. Although this Protector is preventing you from doing something you love, it thinks it is truly saving you from something very dangerous.

Our Protectors: The Eating Disorder

Just as the Protector can convince you not to draw in order to soothe the part of you that is afraid of judgment, the eating disorder has also arrived for a purpose. It is trying to help you.

Imagine if your intention was to help someone, but you were, in turn, villainized and shamed for your attempts? Would that feel healing for you? Probably not. The same is true for the eating disorder. If we learn what part, or parts, of you it is trying to protect, then perhaps we can find the way to true healing.

NEW WAY: Curiosity and Compassion

Now stick with me, this is when it can start sounding strange. What if we treated the eating disorder with curiosity and compassion? Not worship it or buy into it, but offer respect for the protection it has attempted to offer you.

5 Steps to treating the Eating Disorder with Curiosity and Compassion:

Set Up: Bring yourself to a safe place. This experience can bring up many vulnerable emotions and it is important to feel safe while connecting with the different parts of ourselves.

CURIOSITY:

Step 1:
Listen – Before we can offer anyone compassion, we must first seek to understand their experience. In order to understand, we must listen. This means, we need to let go of our preconceived notions and allow the eating disorder to tell us its story.

Step 2:
Ask Questions – The eating disorder is likely to present itself as scary or intimidating. This is because it has existed to protect -and when something exists to protect, it is likely to be at least a bit intimidating, right? So, in the spirit of soothing the eating disorder’s need to protect, ask it non-threatening questions.

Examples:

  • Physical Sensations – “Where do you show up in the body? How does it feel when you are present?”
  • Thoughts – “What thoughts do you have to share with me?”
  • Emotions – “When you are most present within me, what emotions arise?”
  • Purpose – “How are you trying to help me? What do you fear would happen if you were not with me?”

COMPASSION:

Step 3:
Reflect – Reflection is a necessary part of effective listening. As you gather more information from the eating disorder about its own sensations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and fears, reflect them back to it. The purpose of this is to allow the eating disorder to feel heard so it does not continue to try and communicate through behaviors.

Script Template:

  •  “I hear that….[and then fill in what you hear the eating disorder telling you: i.e. you are afraid I will be rejected; you think people will stay if I look a certain way; food feels like the only thing you can control.]”

Step 4:
Validate – When we validate someone, we are not saying we agree with them. Validating the eating disorder’s feelings and thoughts is simply a way of acknowledging that they are actually there. These feelings and thoughts may not be reflective of reality, but they are truly being experienced by parts of you.

Examples:

  • “Hmm, it would be really lonely and scary to constantly be rejected. I see how you are trying to protect me from being hurt.”
  • “That must be exhausting to constantly be on lookout for me.”

Step 5:
Resources – Now that we are communicating with the eating disorder in a whole new way, we are gaining more information about what is really going on in our internal world. The more we learn about what parts of us the eating disorder is trying to protect, the more we can collaborate with our parts on alternative ways to get these needs met.

Examples:

  • If the eating disorder is attempting to protect the part of you that fears rejection, ask that fearful part what makes it feel supported by you. 
  • Possible resources could be: sharing this fear with a safe person, exploring this fear in therapy, cuddling your dog, or imagining yourself giving this part a hug 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:

If you find shaming yourself easier than sitting in the elements of curiosity and compassion, you are not alone. The kinder we are to ourselves, the more vulnerable we feel. If you are interested in exploring this new way of healing, it is important that you feel safe in the environment you choose. Vulnerability is a gateway to healing, but only when we feel safe.

Although entering the therapy room can feel scary at times, it is a therapist’s main concern to provide a safe space for healing. I would be honored to provide you with that space. If you would like to set up a session with me, call Good Therapy San Diego today.

 

If you are interested in starting your healing journey for an eating disorder, contact us to meet with our therapists at Good Therapy San Diego. 

Good Therapy San Diego
Phone: (619) 330-9500
Contact Page

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