7 Ways to Tame Your Whack-a-Mole Life

​Many of us may recall playing the game of whack-a-mole at Chuck-E-Cheese or our local county fair. We would grab the toy mallet and frantically whack the mole that popped up at us, only to have another mole emerge a second later. This pattern repeated itself until the time ran out and the game ended. Others may have heard this term when someone describes the recovery process from more than one disorcer. Whether you’ve heard this term used literally or figuratively, there is one thing they have in common: the whack-a-mole phenomenon can feel impossible to beat!

While working with individuals recovering from eating disorders, I have learned that many people struggle with this whack-a-mole phenomenon, and it becomes a chaotic way of life. Here is an example of how the whack-a-mole analogy can manifest in a person’s life:

Sally has been been in recovery for a year now, and she has made great connections within the community. She is feeling strong and is even thinking of starting to sponsor someone in the program to give back to the community. After dealing with some difficult news at work and finding that another romantic relationship has ended, Sally finds herself in the depths of a deep depression. She suddenly begins to shop excessively. Sally has also started to frequent the local casino more often, and does this without thought when her workday ends. Sally’s friend shares her concern that Sally is using other maladaptive coping methods to deal with her depression now that she is recovered. Sally refuses to listen to her friend because she thinks that as long as she is fine, she is right where she needs to be.

Although Sally is right about being in a better place than she was before treatment, she may be in denial about the other forms of maladaptive coping she has started to use compulsively. It appears Sally’s depression has led her on a search for outside things she can use to distract herself from the unpleasant feelings she is experiencing within. Without realizing it, Sally has substituted her recovery with other outside sources of compulsive coping mechanisms, which makes sense given that she is still not addressing her underlying issues related to stress at work, relationship issues and her depression.

We are all dealing with the pain of being human in one way or another. It is our choice to learn to deal with it, or like Sally, use maladaptive and often compulsive behaviors to numb ourselves from the pain. Sometimes our ways of coping with our underlying issues may not be as obvious as Sally’s, but they can be just as detrimental to our lives and relationships. Whether it be depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, loss, resentments or any other difficult part of life, these issues will remain until they are acknowledged and addressed with support. What all these challenges have in common with the whack-a-mole analogy is that when we don’t address them, they pop up time after time in different forms of unhealthy coping.

Our brains are constantly looking for the next distraction or source of relief. As a result, it is easy to find ourselves caught in a web of denial and disconnected from the reality of our compulsive behaviors. Compulsive shopping, an obsession with losing weight, or the new person you are dating, may temporarily provide an escape. However, the escape lasts only for a short period of time until we are frantically looking for the next person, place, or thing to rescue us.

You may be wondering, “How do I stop this game of whack-a-mole?” It can start by taking a break from whatever it is you are using to avoid dealing with feelings of discomfort. We live in a day and age where over-working is the norm, which can easily turn into a compulsion that is inadvertently praised and overlooked. This may challenge a lot of what you were taught by society and even your family, but it is worth exploring. If we can’t stand being in our own skin, how can we expect others to enjoy our company? If we can’t tolerate our own emotions, how will we offer authentic support for loved ones? If we don’t have moments of self-acceptance, how will we experience moments of true happiness? The following suggestions will offer assistance in avoiding the melodrama of the Whack a Mole.

1. Interrupt unhealthy compulsions: Support groups and/or psychotherapy can offer great guidance in creating new, healthy coping skills.
2. Face your demons: Create a timeline of all the major events in your life and acknowledge how they affected you then, as well as how they may be affecting you now.
3. Feel your feelings: Feelings are important tools for releasing pain and creating healthy change. When we shut down our emotions, we shut down the internal “traffic lights” that guide us towards a healthier lifestyle.
4. Practice patience: Sometimes we feel worse before we feel better. When we block memories or emotions for so long, it takes time for them to feel less painful and scary. There is no way to heal without learning to honor our feelings, but it will get easier with time and support.
5. Maintain a non-judgmental stance: There is a reason you lived in denial or used maladaptive coping to deal with life. We aren’t always ready to deal with difficult things at the time they occur, and we cope the best we can with what we are given.
6. Develop gratitude: Learning to be grateful for freedom from a compulsion or an unhealthy relationship, or for support you have received along the way may assist you with reducing the negative thinking that precedes many unhealthy behaviors. If you objectively looked at your life, I am sure you would find many stories of triumph and strength to focus on.

Give yourself time to reflect on your life and process what comes up with a loved one or a mental health professional. We all have wounds inside of us that we are learning to heal from. The challenge is often simply to recognize them. Ignoring the pain only makes it worse in the long run and it can keep us in great turmoil if we aren’t willing to admit we have a problem.  Create a safe place where you can leave your pain where it belongs, behind you, so in the future, it doesn’t keep popping up in your life.

“We are all on a very rich emotional and physical journey on this planet.”
~Melody Beattie

“I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all others.”
~Melody Beattie