Identifying the Four Horsemen of Divorce
By Holly Bates
The Gottman’s have discovered 6 signs for divorce, and within these signs, lie the Four Horsemen. They are common in relationships, but with awareness and efforts to apply their cures, you and your partner can change your course. Satisfaction with romance and passion is 70% determined by the friendship quality of the relationship. Keep this in mind when reading about the horsemen. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling certainly don’t contribute to a satisfying friendship.
“The biggest predictors of poor conflict management and future relationship demise are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.” - Dr. Julie Gottman
“The biggest predictors of poor conflict management and future relationship demise are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.” - Dr. Julie Gottman
Get to Know the Divorce Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
These four indicators of divorce were found by the John Gottman Institute's revolutionary research- based study in their famous Love Lab. The Gottman's call for activities to rectify these predictors in order to reduce current divorce rates.
First Horseman - Criticism:
A criticism is an insult to your partners personality or character. It is magnifying, blaming, exaggerating, and/ or insulting : “You are always so lazy and selfish; you never follow through.” A criticism is taking a simple complaint about an event and making it about flaws within your partner's character. If criticism continues in your relationship, the more damaging horsemen follow close behind.
Antidote for Criticism: Use a gentle start-up approach. Women bring up complaints more often then men, so ladies pay attention here! In addition, men become physiologically overwhelmed more than women do. A gentle approach can help decrease the occurrences of your partner going into fight or flight mode. An example of a gentle start-up is, “I feel ____about ______(describe what it is happening without evaluation or judgment), and I need…,” while being polite, showing a culture of appreciation, and leaving any details about your partner's character out of the equation.
Say what you need with "I" statements instead of "you" statements. “The kitchen is messy, it makes me anxious, I’d appreciate if we can clean together tonight?” Rather than, “I’m sick of you never cleaning up after yourself!”
Second Horseman - Contempt:
In couples research, contempt is known for being the worst of the horsemen. It gives the message to your partner that you are disgusted with them. It’s a comment that makes you feel superior to your partner. This does not happen until criticism and negative thoughts have built up, causing a pervasive and relationship damaging negative perspective on your partner. It’s difficult, well actually impossible to solve a conflict if one or both partners are showing disgust. Contempt sends the message, “I am better than you.” How hurtful! These messages aren’t always clear, however they sneak their way in through different forms of communication involving sarcasm, sneering, and/or eye-rolling, to name a few.
Antidote for Contempt:
Describe your own feelings and needs in a positive way and avoid describing opinions about your partner. Underneath all the contempt is a need. It is not stating this need, and instead, insulting your partner because your perception is that your partner is not fulfilling this need. The trouble is that your need won’t be met this way. As an alternative, try to first identify the underlying feeling or need. Then state it to your partner in the form of a positive request, “I feel lonely and would really love it if we kept our plans to have dinner together.” Rather than, “I always keep my word; I don’t know what is wrong with you.”
Third Horseman - Defensiveness
With criticism and contempt involved, defensiveness is a typical response. However, it is actually putting all the blame on your partner. This sends the message that, “I’m innocent, the problem is because of you.” This pattern is lacking accountability and when this comes into play, it is extremely difficult to problem solve, compromise, or take responsibility. It is most likely that the conflict will escalate. There are always two perspectives. It really doesn't matter who is right or wrong. The goal is to understand one another.
Antidote for Defensiveness:
Take some responsibility. What is your role in the situation? If your partner brings up a complaint, try to find your part in it rather than bringing up additional complaints through counter attacks or by playing it innocent. It is not you against your partner. You’re a team and you both are accountable for portions of what’s going right and what is going wrong. So rather than quickly firing back with, “I don’t do that, you always…..” Take a breath, keep on topic, and listen to where you can find your accountability even if it is a small part. This will send the message that you are listening to your partner and you respect their opinion.
Fourth Horsemen - Stonewalling
Stonewalling usually comes a bit later than the other horsemen. It comes after the other 3 have been present and become overwhelming. Stonewalling is shutting down and turning away from your partner. The stonewaller either minimally responds or does not respond at all, appearing detached from what your partner is telling you. It can involve looking down and away, and avoiding eye contact. You may notice shallow breathing, long eye closures, auto-involvements like playing with your hair or fidgeting with something.
Antidote for Stonewalling:
Self-soothe. When we stonewall, we often are physiologically overwhelmed (ie shutting down). We enter fight or flight mode and we are unable to listen or respond effectively. When our heart is racing and we are stressed out we have two choices either fight or flee. When you notice yourself checking out, do something to self-soothe. Take space from the conflict by asking your partner if you can take a breather. In addition, it is very important to promise to return to the discussion when you have calmed down, so your partner does not feel abandoned and chase after you. Go for a walk, take a yoga class, or watch a funny movie. Whatever you do for your break time, stop replaying the argument in your head, or talking about it with others, this prolongs your bodies stress response and it is not actually taking space at all. Be sure to turn it off and relax your mind and body. Then after some cool down time, you can come back to the issue and speak more rationally with your partner.
“People who stay married live four years longer than people who don’t.” - Dr. John Gottman.
Well that’s enough reason to make an effort at the antidotes for each horsemen. Although it is very common to notice these in your relationship, with consistent practice and efforts towards using their remedies, you’ll see your old patterned ways of responding diminish and your natural response will be from a place of love and friendship. Your relationship will surely benefit.
A criticism is an insult to your partners personality or character. It is magnifying, blaming, exaggerating, and/ or insulting : “You are always so lazy and selfish; you never follow through.” A criticism is taking a simple complaint about an event and making it about flaws within your partner's character. If criticism continues in your relationship, the more damaging horsemen follow close behind.
Antidote for Criticism: Use a gentle start-up approach. Women bring up complaints more often then men, so ladies pay attention here! In addition, men become physiologically overwhelmed more than women do. A gentle approach can help decrease the occurrences of your partner going into fight or flight mode. An example of a gentle start-up is, “I feel ____about ______(describe what it is happening without evaluation or judgment), and I need…,” while being polite, showing a culture of appreciation, and leaving any details about your partner's character out of the equation.
Say what you need with "I" statements instead of "you" statements. “The kitchen is messy, it makes me anxious, I’d appreciate if we can clean together tonight?” Rather than, “I’m sick of you never cleaning up after yourself!”
Second Horseman - Contempt:
In couples research, contempt is known for being the worst of the horsemen. It gives the message to your partner that you are disgusted with them. It’s a comment that makes you feel superior to your partner. This does not happen until criticism and negative thoughts have built up, causing a pervasive and relationship damaging negative perspective on your partner. It’s difficult, well actually impossible to solve a conflict if one or both partners are showing disgust. Contempt sends the message, “I am better than you.” How hurtful! These messages aren’t always clear, however they sneak their way in through different forms of communication involving sarcasm, sneering, and/or eye-rolling, to name a few.
Antidote for Contempt:
Describe your own feelings and needs in a positive way and avoid describing opinions about your partner. Underneath all the contempt is a need. It is not stating this need, and instead, insulting your partner because your perception is that your partner is not fulfilling this need. The trouble is that your need won’t be met this way. As an alternative, try to first identify the underlying feeling or need. Then state it to your partner in the form of a positive request, “I feel lonely and would really love it if we kept our plans to have dinner together.” Rather than, “I always keep my word; I don’t know what is wrong with you.”
Third Horseman - Defensiveness
With criticism and contempt involved, defensiveness is a typical response. However, it is actually putting all the blame on your partner. This sends the message that, “I’m innocent, the problem is because of you.” This pattern is lacking accountability and when this comes into play, it is extremely difficult to problem solve, compromise, or take responsibility. It is most likely that the conflict will escalate. There are always two perspectives. It really doesn't matter who is right or wrong. The goal is to understand one another.
Antidote for Defensiveness:
Take some responsibility. What is your role in the situation? If your partner brings up a complaint, try to find your part in it rather than bringing up additional complaints through counter attacks or by playing it innocent. It is not you against your partner. You’re a team and you both are accountable for portions of what’s going right and what is going wrong. So rather than quickly firing back with, “I don’t do that, you always…..” Take a breath, keep on topic, and listen to where you can find your accountability even if it is a small part. This will send the message that you are listening to your partner and you respect their opinion.
Fourth Horsemen - Stonewalling
Stonewalling usually comes a bit later than the other horsemen. It comes after the other 3 have been present and become overwhelming. Stonewalling is shutting down and turning away from your partner. The stonewaller either minimally responds or does not respond at all, appearing detached from what your partner is telling you. It can involve looking down and away, and avoiding eye contact. You may notice shallow breathing, long eye closures, auto-involvements like playing with your hair or fidgeting with something.
Antidote for Stonewalling:
Self-soothe. When we stonewall, we often are physiologically overwhelmed (ie shutting down). We enter fight or flight mode and we are unable to listen or respond effectively. When our heart is racing and we are stressed out we have two choices either fight or flee. When you notice yourself checking out, do something to self-soothe. Take space from the conflict by asking your partner if you can take a breather. In addition, it is very important to promise to return to the discussion when you have calmed down, so your partner does not feel abandoned and chase after you. Go for a walk, take a yoga class, or watch a funny movie. Whatever you do for your break time, stop replaying the argument in your head, or talking about it with others, this prolongs your bodies stress response and it is not actually taking space at all. Be sure to turn it off and relax your mind and body. Then after some cool down time, you can come back to the issue and speak more rationally with your partner.
“People who stay married live four years longer than people who don’t.” - Dr. John Gottman.
Well that’s enough reason to make an effort at the antidotes for each horsemen. Although it is very common to notice these in your relationship, with consistent practice and efforts towards using their remedies, you’ll see your old patterned ways of responding diminish and your natural response will be from a place of love and friendship. Your relationship will surely benefit.
Contact our Trained Gottman Couples Therapists Today!
