Mindfully Responding to Life's Challenges
By John P. Rettger, PhD
Artwork by Ingerlene Frick
There is a teaching attributed to the Buddha where he utilized a metaphor of a first and second arrow. The Buddha taught that when an adverse event comes your way, it is like being hit by an arrow. It stings and the pain can be piercing. Often times the knee jerk reaction to the pain of the first arrow is to shoot a second arrow into either yourself or others. The second arrow is typically laced with blame, judgement, and condemnation. The result is likely further undesirable hurt, finger-pointing, regret, or shame. The key point in this teaching is the recognition that the second arrow is self-inflicted, voluntary and therefore preventable. Through mindfulness and the contemplative process of psychotherapy, you can come to recognize that the metaphorical arrows you fire are by choice and you can free yourself from this unhelpful cycle. In the remainder of this article, I discuss ways of increasing the psychological space that exists after that first arrow strikes and how you ultimately choose to respond.
Let’s start this exploration with the recognition that in life first arrows are inevitable. You cannot anticipate every danger that life will bring to your doorstep. It is a given that in life along with the good, there are many unavoidable hardships and tragedies. The teaching of the second arrow invites you to recognize the freedom you have in choosing to respond, rather than react, to your life experiences. In my own observations of myself, and in the stories that clients and students have told me over the years, I have come to recognize that there seems to be a natural inclination to skew one’s interpretations of hardships toward negative interpretations of oneself, others, and the world in general. This is a cornerstone concept in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Additionally, most folks tend to blame themselves and can be very harsh on themselves, harsher than they would be on anyone else. For example, you may scold yourself and say something like, “I am so stupid, I’m such an idiot, I should have seen this thing coming”, or “if only I worked harder or paid more attention, then this would have never happened”. These are all thoughts had in response to first arrows that keep you stuck. This is a form of “what if-ing”, “should-ing” and I posit that it is a terrible trap and in fact an illusion. It is illusory because none of us can know what would have happened in our present moment reality if we changed a past behavior.
So how can you get out of this trap and create positive, healthy psychological space? One path towards wholesome responding is through mindfulness, or the action of mobilizing present-moment awareness through an attitudinal stance of self-compassion and non-judgement. In this article, I will give a sample of how you can exercise mindfulness and a positive restructuring of your thoughts akin to the method that I teach in my psychotherapy practice.
Practice: Mindfulness for Psychological Freedom
The first step in our mindfulness practice is to sit comfortably, gather and deepen your breathing. In order to see things clearly, your breathing must have sufficient depth and be slow enough for you to be present. This type of breathing is a direct route to parasympathetic nervous system engagement, which is associated with the Relaxation Response. This terminology comes from the work of Harvard physician, Herbert Benson, MD. It is also the opposite of the Stress Response. When you are shallow with your breathing, I believe that you are operating from a condensed and closed existence. This condensed mode short circuits your ability to make sound executive decisions by fueling an anxious state of hyper-arousal.
Gathering the breath is a simple process you can do sitting down, standing up, or even laying down. I find it helpful to place one hand on the belly and another on the heart and focus on getting your breathing down into the lower hand. When it is there, take a moment and feel the expansion of your belly and try to extend the length of your exhale making it longer than your inhalation. Repeat this until you feel relaxed and comfortable.
The second step is to observe the patterns of the mind. This may sound easy, but it is quite a tricky practice. Following the first step of breath awareness, continue to “sit” and call into your mind a recent event that challenged you in some way. For this sample practice, choose an easy event to work with, one that does not overwhelm you or one that you consider to be traumatic. Those require more skill and the guidance of a therapist.
This event is the first arrow. Take notice even now how you are responding to this event- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, ask yourself “what is my physical reaction (e.g., are you tightening, or clenching somewhere)?” “What is a word to characterize the emotion I am feeling (e.g., sad, mad, or frustrated)?” “What thoughts are playing through my mind now that I am feeling this way, or just before I started feeling this way?” Your task is to observe these thoughts, without engaging them in any way. Imagine that they are like leaves drifting down a stream in front of you.
The key is to notice in what way your reaction may be generating further suffering, which is the second arrow. A way to do this is by asking yourself, “having had this bad thing happen, what do I think this means about me as a person?” You are searching your stream of thoughts for any self-judgement, blame, shame or should-ing.
You may catch in your response to that question, something negative such as “I am so stupid” or “It’s all my fault”. These are the kind of responses that in the next step of this practice you will rescript. Do not judge yourself for having them. Instead, be grateful for this moment of mindfulness where you captured this self-limiting thought that is reflective of a deeper limiting belief about yourself. Also, please recognize that this layer of self-blame or judgement is compounding your negativity and hurt. The goal is to replace it with self-compassion.
It is essential to note that if you find yourself getting lost or overwhelmed in this process, I recommend stopping the practice immediately, doing something that distracts you from these negative thoughts and creates positive feelings in you, such as a fun activity. I encourage you once you are feeling clearer to consider working with a licensed therapist that can help you work through this type of negative thinking.
The last step in this process is to choose how you would like to rescript your response. Can you reshape those above absolutes to something more balanced, such as “even though this bad thing happened, it could have happened to anyone. I am still a good person who can grow from this.” This may take some repetition and practice to find the right words that resonate with you. It may be helpful to write out a few positive self-statements that you can go to in moments of distress. Repeat those phrases to yourself at the end of your self-reflection period. When you are ready, close out this contemplation with a moment of gratitude towards yourself for offering this self-care to yourself. You may find it helpful to spend a few moments journaling about your experience. As you move forward on your journey, pay specific attention to positive life experiences that provide direct evidence for your new self-affirming, positive beliefs.
With repetition and continual practice of this type of process, you can eventually master your thinking style and open yourself up to a world of new energy and possibilities! I highly recommend working with a licensed psychotherapist who is familiar with mindfulness practices to help you navigate this type of meditation practice and promote your integration of the material you discover.
Thank you for taking the time to engage in this practice! If your interest is stirred through this practice, I encourage you to learn more by scheduling a visit with me.
Warmly,
Dr. John Rettger
Let’s start this exploration with the recognition that in life first arrows are inevitable. You cannot anticipate every danger that life will bring to your doorstep. It is a given that in life along with the good, there are many unavoidable hardships and tragedies. The teaching of the second arrow invites you to recognize the freedom you have in choosing to respond, rather than react, to your life experiences. In my own observations of myself, and in the stories that clients and students have told me over the years, I have come to recognize that there seems to be a natural inclination to skew one’s interpretations of hardships toward negative interpretations of oneself, others, and the world in general. This is a cornerstone concept in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Additionally, most folks tend to blame themselves and can be very harsh on themselves, harsher than they would be on anyone else. For example, you may scold yourself and say something like, “I am so stupid, I’m such an idiot, I should have seen this thing coming”, or “if only I worked harder or paid more attention, then this would have never happened”. These are all thoughts had in response to first arrows that keep you stuck. This is a form of “what if-ing”, “should-ing” and I posit that it is a terrible trap and in fact an illusion. It is illusory because none of us can know what would have happened in our present moment reality if we changed a past behavior.
So how can you get out of this trap and create positive, healthy psychological space? One path towards wholesome responding is through mindfulness, or the action of mobilizing present-moment awareness through an attitudinal stance of self-compassion and non-judgement. In this article, I will give a sample of how you can exercise mindfulness and a positive restructuring of your thoughts akin to the method that I teach in my psychotherapy practice.
Practice: Mindfulness for Psychological Freedom
The first step in our mindfulness practice is to sit comfortably, gather and deepen your breathing. In order to see things clearly, your breathing must have sufficient depth and be slow enough for you to be present. This type of breathing is a direct route to parasympathetic nervous system engagement, which is associated with the Relaxation Response. This terminology comes from the work of Harvard physician, Herbert Benson, MD. It is also the opposite of the Stress Response. When you are shallow with your breathing, I believe that you are operating from a condensed and closed existence. This condensed mode short circuits your ability to make sound executive decisions by fueling an anxious state of hyper-arousal.
Gathering the breath is a simple process you can do sitting down, standing up, or even laying down. I find it helpful to place one hand on the belly and another on the heart and focus on getting your breathing down into the lower hand. When it is there, take a moment and feel the expansion of your belly and try to extend the length of your exhale making it longer than your inhalation. Repeat this until you feel relaxed and comfortable.
The second step is to observe the patterns of the mind. This may sound easy, but it is quite a tricky practice. Following the first step of breath awareness, continue to “sit” and call into your mind a recent event that challenged you in some way. For this sample practice, choose an easy event to work with, one that does not overwhelm you or one that you consider to be traumatic. Those require more skill and the guidance of a therapist.
This event is the first arrow. Take notice even now how you are responding to this event- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Now, ask yourself “what is my physical reaction (e.g., are you tightening, or clenching somewhere)?” “What is a word to characterize the emotion I am feeling (e.g., sad, mad, or frustrated)?” “What thoughts are playing through my mind now that I am feeling this way, or just before I started feeling this way?” Your task is to observe these thoughts, without engaging them in any way. Imagine that they are like leaves drifting down a stream in front of you.
The key is to notice in what way your reaction may be generating further suffering, which is the second arrow. A way to do this is by asking yourself, “having had this bad thing happen, what do I think this means about me as a person?” You are searching your stream of thoughts for any self-judgement, blame, shame or should-ing.
You may catch in your response to that question, something negative such as “I am so stupid” or “It’s all my fault”. These are the kind of responses that in the next step of this practice you will rescript. Do not judge yourself for having them. Instead, be grateful for this moment of mindfulness where you captured this self-limiting thought that is reflective of a deeper limiting belief about yourself. Also, please recognize that this layer of self-blame or judgement is compounding your negativity and hurt. The goal is to replace it with self-compassion.
It is essential to note that if you find yourself getting lost or overwhelmed in this process, I recommend stopping the practice immediately, doing something that distracts you from these negative thoughts and creates positive feelings in you, such as a fun activity. I encourage you once you are feeling clearer to consider working with a licensed therapist that can help you work through this type of negative thinking.
The last step in this process is to choose how you would like to rescript your response. Can you reshape those above absolutes to something more balanced, such as “even though this bad thing happened, it could have happened to anyone. I am still a good person who can grow from this.” This may take some repetition and practice to find the right words that resonate with you. It may be helpful to write out a few positive self-statements that you can go to in moments of distress. Repeat those phrases to yourself at the end of your self-reflection period. When you are ready, close out this contemplation with a moment of gratitude towards yourself for offering this self-care to yourself. You may find it helpful to spend a few moments journaling about your experience. As you move forward on your journey, pay specific attention to positive life experiences that provide direct evidence for your new self-affirming, positive beliefs.
With repetition and continual practice of this type of process, you can eventually master your thinking style and open yourself up to a world of new energy and possibilities! I highly recommend working with a licensed psychotherapist who is familiar with mindfulness practices to help you navigate this type of meditation practice and promote your integration of the material you discover.
Thank you for taking the time to engage in this practice! If your interest is stirred through this practice, I encourage you to learn more by scheduling a visit with me.
Warmly,
Dr. John Rettger