Self-Compassion: The Key to a Courageous, Vulnerable, Resilient Life
By Maggie Hollinbeck, LMFT
If you struggle with shame, judgment, and/or perfectionism, there are two things I want you to know: you are far from alone, and you can learn to live a more resilient and courageous life.
In psychotherapy there is a tool that Carl Rogers popularized; he termed it "unconditional positive regard”. It encompasses love, respect, honoring, and witnessing of a client's innate goodness. At its core, it’s compassion. It’s a core tenet of my practice as a therapist.
Monk and teacher Pema Chodron teaches the Buddhist concept maitri, also known as friendliness toward oneself. You can learn to give yourself this same “unconditional positive regard” — it’s called self-compassion, and it’s the skill of unconditionally regarding yourself well, loving and honoring and valuing yourself no matter what happens.
I said skill, but it’s really more of a practice. It’s a muscle that get stronger with use.
Self-judgment, shame, and perfectionism are the enemies of courage, vulnerability, and risk. As you learn to treat yourself with unconditional compassion, you can start to give yourself a break. You can be gentle with
yourself during difficult or exposing moments. Most importantly, you can develop a strong foundation within yourself that will allow you to reach for the things that really matter to you — the things that require you to risk, to take bold courageous action, and to let yourself be seen by others.
We all need to cultivate these tools and move ourselves up the scale into courageous vulnerability, which allows us to risk and innovate and try and fail and try again and succeed and uplift others toward their own heights. It all starts with the ability to withstand the darker voices that would tell us that we're not worthy unless we're perfect and successful and approved of by "them". Not only to withstand, but to quiet those voices and turn our faces to the sunlight of our own innate value and worth. To remind ourselves that we are beautiful because we're vulnerable, because we take chances and speak our truths and reach out when it would be safer to hold back.
Imagine how our world would be if Self-Compassion 101 were a course taught in every grade in school? If it were practiced at the dinner table and in the dugout and backstage and at homework time? Imagine the next generation, and what could be possible if we made self-compassion as compulsory as algebra.
As we heal our own wounds and step into a more resilient, courageous way of living, we can share, model, and pass these traits on to the next generation.
Today, just for today, whenever you feel like you've taken a risk and you're feeling vulnerable, hold a hand over your heart, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and tell yourself that you've done well just for risking. That you approve of yourself no matter what. That you're here and you see your beautiful, vulnerable, tender inner light. If you need support, call a friend or a professional who can support you when you show up vulnerable. Stay open-hearted, and share what is scaring you. Let that person remind you of who you really are, and your innate value. You'll feel lighter and that next step won't feel so scary.
This article is based on The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Maggie Hollinbeck, LMFT works with clients struggling with harsh self-judgment, self-doubt, perfectionism, and core shame, including Adult Children of Alcoholics and others who grew up in dysfunctional families. If you resonate with this article, please reach out and learn how to become your own best friend.
In psychotherapy there is a tool that Carl Rogers popularized; he termed it "unconditional positive regard”. It encompasses love, respect, honoring, and witnessing of a client's innate goodness. At its core, it’s compassion. It’s a core tenet of my practice as a therapist.
Monk and teacher Pema Chodron teaches the Buddhist concept maitri, also known as friendliness toward oneself. You can learn to give yourself this same “unconditional positive regard” — it’s called self-compassion, and it’s the skill of unconditionally regarding yourself well, loving and honoring and valuing yourself no matter what happens.
I said skill, but it’s really more of a practice. It’s a muscle that get stronger with use.
Self-judgment, shame, and perfectionism are the enemies of courage, vulnerability, and risk. As you learn to treat yourself with unconditional compassion, you can start to give yourself a break. You can be gentle with
yourself during difficult or exposing moments. Most importantly, you can develop a strong foundation within yourself that will allow you to reach for the things that really matter to you — the things that require you to risk, to take bold courageous action, and to let yourself be seen by others.
We all need to cultivate these tools and move ourselves up the scale into courageous vulnerability, which allows us to risk and innovate and try and fail and try again and succeed and uplift others toward their own heights. It all starts with the ability to withstand the darker voices that would tell us that we're not worthy unless we're perfect and successful and approved of by "them". Not only to withstand, but to quiet those voices and turn our faces to the sunlight of our own innate value and worth. To remind ourselves that we are beautiful because we're vulnerable, because we take chances and speak our truths and reach out when it would be safer to hold back.
Imagine how our world would be if Self-Compassion 101 were a course taught in every grade in school? If it were practiced at the dinner table and in the dugout and backstage and at homework time? Imagine the next generation, and what could be possible if we made self-compassion as compulsory as algebra.
As we heal our own wounds and step into a more resilient, courageous way of living, we can share, model, and pass these traits on to the next generation.
Today, just for today, whenever you feel like you've taken a risk and you're feeling vulnerable, hold a hand over your heart, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and tell yourself that you've done well just for risking. That you approve of yourself no matter what. That you're here and you see your beautiful, vulnerable, tender inner light. If you need support, call a friend or a professional who can support you when you show up vulnerable. Stay open-hearted, and share what is scaring you. Let that person remind you of who you really are, and your innate value. You'll feel lighter and that next step won't feel so scary.
This article is based on The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Maggie Hollinbeck, LMFT works with clients struggling with harsh self-judgment, self-doubt, perfectionism, and core shame, including Adult Children of Alcoholics and others who grew up in dysfunctional families. If you resonate with this article, please reach out and learn how to become your own best friend.