Repetitive Conflicts and Unsolvable Problems
By Holly Bates, LCSW
So often we find ourselves having the same argument over and over again with our partner. The fight is disguised as something new and different- the house chores that were neglected today, the forgotten date night over the weekend. At some point the conflict takes a turn from the chores or the date night, the subject is changed to something deeper or from the past, and it turns into the same conflict you feel like you always have. Whatever the trigger, the meat of the argument becomes the seemingly never ending fight. This is a perpetual or gridlocked issue. This conflict has been had repeatedly, never seeming to get solved. The same fight yet again, how frustrating! Luckily we can find relief through specific ways of communicating.
The research of Ph.D’s John and Julie Gottman reveal that 69% of conflict within relationships are perpetual problems.
Perpetual issues are problems that re-occur and will continue to re-occur. We are each a unique individual within our relationship, therefore we inevitably have differences and these differences are the birthplace of perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are repeated conflicts based on gender differences, personality differences, or lifestyle differences. With empathy and open communication, these problems can feel more accepted, become easier to handle, and decrease in intensity. Although if these differences are discussed with harmful communication patterns, these arguments can become gridlocked issues and ignored gridlock unfortunately leads to emotional distance.
After our re-occurring problems have been unsuccessfully approached numerous times, they grow to become more sensitive and harder to approach. The problem now not only gets nowhere, it becomes increasingly destructive to the relationship. It turns out gridlock problems are somewhat unsolvable and if we were to push to solve the problem we would be asking and expecting to change our partners core self. Despite the issue being unsolvable, it still must be talked about and understood.
Underneath the gridlock issue, there is a longing. There is a hidden or unhonored lifestyle or personality need that lie within the problem and until this need or dream becomes the point of discussion, the issue will not feel manageable.
If we remain stuck in our differing perceptions grasping to our side of the argument, attempt to change our partner, or ignore their needs in order to meet our own needs, then we are creating emotional distance and pushing our partner away. We must talk about our needs, hopes, values, and dreams with our partners, in a safe way that honors each others differences and allows for both partners needs to be somewhat met. So often our schedules are busy with work, school, the kids, and a million other things; Making it easy to lose sight of our needs, deep hopes as well as our partners needs, aspirations and goals. Discussions about our hopes and goals involve a willingness and curiosity to explore the underlying needs, reasons and history of such needs and essentially prioritizing meeting somewhere in the middle.
When using the 5 strategies below, you are not solving the problem completely, you are
creating more ease within the relationship. In addition, you are honoring our fundamental differences as humans. These communication skills send the message to your partner that you accept them, appreciate them for who they are, and that you can work as a team to cope with your differences.
1. Learn ways to safely discuss repetitive problems
2. Practice truly listening and understanding your partners point of view and reasoning behind their point of view. Ask questions, don’t assume, postpone your agenda, and find empathy for their viewpoint.
3. Replace destructive communication patterns with their antidotes. See Four Horsemen for more details.
4. Develop conflict management skills together- Approach issues more softly, accept one another’s influences, use strategies to repair moments of tension by turning towards your partner rather than acting against one another, apply soothing tools as necessary to help de-escalate one another, and learn healthy ways to compromise without sacrificing yourself and your core needs.
5. Process past harmful incidents
The goal here is to make the issue less painful, to soften the discussions about it, to gain clarity, and to respectfully understand each other viewpoints. With greater understanding, we can hear our partner and learn to honor them. We can understand our own needs more clearly through these intimate talks as well, resulting in feeling more vulnerable and seen by our partner. We can even gain more flexibility on the issue. Since the issue is not necessarily going anywhere we might as well learn ways to better manage it and welcome aspects of it’s presence. When we choose to do so, we are choosing acceptance of our partner, ourselves, and our relationship.
The research of Ph.D’s John and Julie Gottman reveal that 69% of conflict within relationships are perpetual problems.
- Perpetual Problem:
Perpetual issues are problems that re-occur and will continue to re-occur. We are each a unique individual within our relationship, therefore we inevitably have differences and these differences are the birthplace of perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are repeated conflicts based on gender differences, personality differences, or lifestyle differences. With empathy and open communication, these problems can feel more accepted, become easier to handle, and decrease in intensity. Although if these differences are discussed with harmful communication patterns, these arguments can become gridlocked issues and ignored gridlock unfortunately leads to emotional distance.
- Signs the conflict has become gridlocked:
- Despite many re-visits to the conflict discussion it seems to get nowhere
- Talking about it feels stressful - you may feel criticized, defensive, shut out, or less than.
- We feel triggered by just the thought of the exchange
- Frustration and pain seem to grow and we begin to feel against our partner
- We feel unwilling to budge, leaving compromising to seem like an impossible task
- Eventually, because of the lack of success on the issue, emotional disengagement starts creating distance and perhaps there is nothing left but silence.
- A Gridlock Problem:
After our re-occurring problems have been unsuccessfully approached numerous times, they grow to become more sensitive and harder to approach. The problem now not only gets nowhere, it becomes increasingly destructive to the relationship. It turns out gridlock problems are somewhat unsolvable and if we were to push to solve the problem we would be asking and expecting to change our partners core self. Despite the issue being unsolvable, it still must be talked about and understood.
Underneath the gridlock issue, there is a longing. There is a hidden or unhonored lifestyle or personality need that lie within the problem and until this need or dream becomes the point of discussion, the issue will not feel manageable.
If we remain stuck in our differing perceptions grasping to our side of the argument, attempt to change our partner, or ignore their needs in order to meet our own needs, then we are creating emotional distance and pushing our partner away. We must talk about our needs, hopes, values, and dreams with our partners, in a safe way that honors each others differences and allows for both partners needs to be somewhat met. So often our schedules are busy with work, school, the kids, and a million other things; Making it easy to lose sight of our needs, deep hopes as well as our partners needs, aspirations and goals. Discussions about our hopes and goals involve a willingness and curiosity to explore the underlying needs, reasons and history of such needs and essentially prioritizing meeting somewhere in the middle.
- How Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help:
When using the 5 strategies below, you are not solving the problem completely, you are
creating more ease within the relationship. In addition, you are honoring our fundamental differences as humans. These communication skills send the message to your partner that you accept them, appreciate them for who they are, and that you can work as a team to cope with your differences.
1. Learn ways to safely discuss repetitive problems
2. Practice truly listening and understanding your partners point of view and reasoning behind their point of view. Ask questions, don’t assume, postpone your agenda, and find empathy for their viewpoint.
3. Replace destructive communication patterns with their antidotes. See Four Horsemen for more details.
4. Develop conflict management skills together- Approach issues more softly, accept one another’s influences, use strategies to repair moments of tension by turning towards your partner rather than acting against one another, apply soothing tools as necessary to help de-escalate one another, and learn healthy ways to compromise without sacrificing yourself and your core needs.
5. Process past harmful incidents
The goal here is to make the issue less painful, to soften the discussions about it, to gain clarity, and to respectfully understand each other viewpoints. With greater understanding, we can hear our partner and learn to honor them. We can understand our own needs more clearly through these intimate talks as well, resulting in feeling more vulnerable and seen by our partner. We can even gain more flexibility on the issue. Since the issue is not necessarily going anywhere we might as well learn ways to better manage it and welcome aspects of it’s presence. When we choose to do so, we are choosing acceptance of our partner, ourselves, and our relationship.