IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
By Holly Bates, LCSW
“Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” - Dr. John Gottman
• Living parallel lives?
• Lacking trust?
• Never having sex?
• Too much heated conflict in your relationship? • Have conflicting life hopes and dreams?
If any of this sounds like you it’s not too late to improve your relationship. It may be challenging however with commitment it is very possible to strengthen your relationship and even enjoy it again.
• Why not just find a new relationship, an easier one?
Well it turns out that when we choose a partner, whoever that partners is, we are in fact choosing a consistent set of issues; An unsolvable set of problems for life. Dr. John Gottman puts this so well - For example : “Paul marries Alice and Alice get loud at parties. Paul who is shy hates that but if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party and that’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting.”
If any of this sounds like you it’s not too late to improve your relationship. It may be challenging however with commitment it is very possible to strengthen your relationship and even enjoy it again.
• Why not just find a new relationship, an easier one?
Well it turns out that when we choose a partner, whoever that partners is, we are in fact choosing a consistent set of issues; An unsolvable set of problems for life. Dr. John Gottman puts this so well - For example : “Paul marries Alice and Alice get loud at parties. Paul who is shy hates that but if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party and that’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting.”
Sixty-nine percent of couple's problems are unsolvable. These problems are the fundamental differences between us as humans. Because of this, solving these types of problems is not the goal in therapy. Otherwise, we would be trying to change eachother. The freedom is in creating a healthy dialogue and acceptance to live with these issues in some way or another. Acceptance of your partner, even with some irritability is okay, otherwise, emotional disengagement occurs. No relationship is perfect and the honeymoon period does not last forever. This does not mean lower your expectations, far from this actually.
“Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” - Dr. John Gottman
This commitment to persistent problems may feel unsettling at first, but when you really think about it, it’s quite liberating. We must maintain our high expectations, and choose a set of problems that we learn to collaboratively work and live with, as a team.
Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory not only addresses all of the above, the research shows that the therapeutic interventions in the therapy process teach the components that make up a healthy, stronger, more satisfying relationship. They make for softer approaches, as well as gentler efforts and interactions with one another to make these perpetual issues do-able and worth it.
The Sound Relationship House theory was developed in 1994 with by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Schwartz-Gottman. This approach helps with couples conflicts, conflict resolutions, and builds the couple's friendship and love within everyday living. The interventions have been researched for 40 years with thousands of couples and are proven effective. The research has found patterns of behaviors and interactions that differentiate successful relationships from unhappy couples in the Gottman’s Love Lab in Washington. From these patterns the Gottmans created The Sound Relationship House, which breaks down the focus of couples therapy and a healthy relationship.
Trust and Commitment - These are the pillars of the house. Trust is knowing that your partner is there for you. Knowing that they act from a place of your best interest, not only their own. We can build this trust by attuning or being there for one another and their emotional world. When we use the skills below we can start to build trust in our relationship.
ATTUNE = <Awareness of each others emotional world > <Turning towards one another ><Tolerance> < Understanding> < Non-defensive responding> < Empathy >
We build commitment by nourishing gratitudes rather than resentments. Commitment is acting on the belief that your partner is your partner for life; that you are in this life together. For better or for worse right? It is nourishing the positive qualities rather than focusing on the negative qualities.
Level 1 - Build Love Maps
Couples have the opportunity to build up their foundation. This focuses on learning about one another and consistently updating this information over time and with changes. It’s being interested and curious about your partners thoughts, feelings, and internal world.
Level 2 - Share Fondness and Admiration
Couples focus on adjusting their perspectives. We get more of what we look for and what we expect. When we look for what our partner is doing right, we will find it. If we look for what’s wrong, we will also find that. When we commit to feeling appreciation, respect, and fondness for our partner and their qualities, we change our habit of mind to primarily see the good. This frame of mind is a choice and will become more natural with time.
Level 3 - Turn Towards Instead of Away
Couples learn to build up their emotional bank account. Here we learn how to recognize when your partner is asking for connection time. Becoming aware of these little moments throughout the day gives you the mindfulness to accept their invitation for connection by turning towards your partner. When your partner initiates connection, it is a bid and there is a chance to turn towards them rather than away. These can be small scenarios, as well as bigger situations. For example, your partner may ask you to cook dinner with them. This is a bid to connect. Your partner may point out their favorite flower on a walk that reminds them of a special event. This is also a bid for conversation. Turning towards is recognizing and participating in your partners emotional need for varying connections.
Level 4 - The Positive Perspective
The positive perspective is the result of the previous 3 levels functioning effectively. The bottom 3 levels are concepts based from a successful friendship. When we have a healthy friendship with our partner we have an overall positive perspective about them. We are stocked up in our relationship emotional bank account and we become less critical or hypervigilant for negativity within our partner and relationship. We cut them some slack!
Level 5 - Manage Conflict
Here the therapist helps the couple identify triggers and reasons for these triggers to their escalations. Together, we distinguish between the two types of conflicts. Once we figure out which conflicts fit into which categories, we focus on specific problem solving skills for resolvable arguments. For unresolvable problems we learn about and implement the antidotes to the harmful patterns of communication within these conflicts. This allows for these issues to be addressed in a healthier way.
Level 6- Make Life Dreams Come True
We discover each partner’s life dreams and find a way for the relationship to assist both partners towards these dreams. You learn about your partners values and meaning behind their positions on repetitive conflict and differences. With understanding of one another's perspective, we can safely explore these view points and move away from stagnancy.
Level 7 - Create Shared Meaning
Couples prioritize creating shared meaning regarding their life together. How do you want to grow older with your partner? What is important about your lives? Your dreams, philosophies, goals, priorities, traditions, events, culture, time, and family stories? A new culture is created from two partners as you both come from different family backgrounds with a different set of shared meanings. Here we examine how you want your lives to be together.
Whether you and your partner have been struggling for 1 year, 10 years, or are just having a rough patch, Gottman couples therapy helps to decrease the hurt in conflicting conversation, to increase respect, understanding, and intimacy, and to get passed stagnant barriers of conflict. This method supports and repairs troubled relationships as well as strengthens already happy relationships.
Visit GoodTherapySanDiego.Com for help from a professional with creating a more fulfilling and loving relationship
This article is inspired by the research, clinical trainings, publications, and clinical practice methods of Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
I encourage The Art and Science of Love Workshop for a weekend based on the principles of the Gottman’s research.
“Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” - Dr. John Gottman
This commitment to persistent problems may feel unsettling at first, but when you really think about it, it’s quite liberating. We must maintain our high expectations, and choose a set of problems that we learn to collaboratively work and live with, as a team.
Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory not only addresses all of the above, the research shows that the therapeutic interventions in the therapy process teach the components that make up a healthy, stronger, more satisfying relationship. They make for softer approaches, as well as gentler efforts and interactions with one another to make these perpetual issues do-able and worth it.
The Sound Relationship House theory was developed in 1994 with by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Schwartz-Gottman. This approach helps with couples conflicts, conflict resolutions, and builds the couple's friendship and love within everyday living. The interventions have been researched for 40 years with thousands of couples and are proven effective. The research has found patterns of behaviors and interactions that differentiate successful relationships from unhappy couples in the Gottman’s Love Lab in Washington. From these patterns the Gottmans created The Sound Relationship House, which breaks down the focus of couples therapy and a healthy relationship.
Trust and Commitment - These are the pillars of the house. Trust is knowing that your partner is there for you. Knowing that they act from a place of your best interest, not only their own. We can build this trust by attuning or being there for one another and their emotional world. When we use the skills below we can start to build trust in our relationship.
ATTUNE = <Awareness of each others emotional world > <Turning towards one another ><Tolerance> < Understanding> < Non-defensive responding> < Empathy >
We build commitment by nourishing gratitudes rather than resentments. Commitment is acting on the belief that your partner is your partner for life; that you are in this life together. For better or for worse right? It is nourishing the positive qualities rather than focusing on the negative qualities.
Level 1 - Build Love Maps
Couples have the opportunity to build up their foundation. This focuses on learning about one another and consistently updating this information over time and with changes. It’s being interested and curious about your partners thoughts, feelings, and internal world.
Level 2 - Share Fondness and Admiration
Couples focus on adjusting their perspectives. We get more of what we look for and what we expect. When we look for what our partner is doing right, we will find it. If we look for what’s wrong, we will also find that. When we commit to feeling appreciation, respect, and fondness for our partner and their qualities, we change our habit of mind to primarily see the good. This frame of mind is a choice and will become more natural with time.
Level 3 - Turn Towards Instead of Away
Couples learn to build up their emotional bank account. Here we learn how to recognize when your partner is asking for connection time. Becoming aware of these little moments throughout the day gives you the mindfulness to accept their invitation for connection by turning towards your partner. When your partner initiates connection, it is a bid and there is a chance to turn towards them rather than away. These can be small scenarios, as well as bigger situations. For example, your partner may ask you to cook dinner with them. This is a bid to connect. Your partner may point out their favorite flower on a walk that reminds them of a special event. This is also a bid for conversation. Turning towards is recognizing and participating in your partners emotional need for varying connections.
Level 4 - The Positive Perspective
The positive perspective is the result of the previous 3 levels functioning effectively. The bottom 3 levels are concepts based from a successful friendship. When we have a healthy friendship with our partner we have an overall positive perspective about them. We are stocked up in our relationship emotional bank account and we become less critical or hypervigilant for negativity within our partner and relationship. We cut them some slack!
Level 5 - Manage Conflict
Here the therapist helps the couple identify triggers and reasons for these triggers to their escalations. Together, we distinguish between the two types of conflicts. Once we figure out which conflicts fit into which categories, we focus on specific problem solving skills for resolvable arguments. For unresolvable problems we learn about and implement the antidotes to the harmful patterns of communication within these conflicts. This allows for these issues to be addressed in a healthier way.
Level 6- Make Life Dreams Come True
We discover each partner’s life dreams and find a way for the relationship to assist both partners towards these dreams. You learn about your partners values and meaning behind their positions on repetitive conflict and differences. With understanding of one another's perspective, we can safely explore these view points and move away from stagnancy.
Level 7 - Create Shared Meaning
Couples prioritize creating shared meaning regarding their life together. How do you want to grow older with your partner? What is important about your lives? Your dreams, philosophies, goals, priorities, traditions, events, culture, time, and family stories? A new culture is created from two partners as you both come from different family backgrounds with a different set of shared meanings. Here we examine how you want your lives to be together.
Whether you and your partner have been struggling for 1 year, 10 years, or are just having a rough patch, Gottman couples therapy helps to decrease the hurt in conflicting conversation, to increase respect, understanding, and intimacy, and to get passed stagnant barriers of conflict. This method supports and repairs troubled relationships as well as strengthens already happy relationships.
Visit GoodTherapySanDiego.Com for help from a professional with creating a more fulfilling and loving relationship
This article is inspired by the research, clinical trainings, publications, and clinical practice methods of Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
I encourage The Art and Science of Love Workshop for a weekend based on the principles of the Gottman’s research.