How to Be A Good Listener
By Ashley Rober, LCSW
It wasn’t until I was in graduate school and was trained specifically on how to listen to people that I realized I had spent a majority of my life doing it all (okay, mostly) wrong. I always had good intentions, but that does not always translate to others. Now, as a therapist, I work with people daily who say they do not feel heard by their spouse, boss, colleague, friend, parent, etc. I assume those people typically also think they are doing a great job at listening and have the best intentions in mind. The problem is that most of us never take classes on, or are otherwise taught, how to be good listeners. So my goal today is to share with you what I have learned:
The first and most important step to becoming a good listener is learning to be present. Notice what is coming up for you and if you catch yourself thinking of what you are going to say next, wondering what to make for dinner, or judging the person, pause and put the attention back on what they are saying. If this is really difficult for you, I would highly recommend starting an independent mindfulness/meditation practice. You might be surprised how much it helps in your day-to-day interactions and beyond!
Next, use reflective statements. If your friend tells you that she thinks her marriage is falling apart, her kids are driving her crazy, and work is really stressful, you can reply, “There are a lot of stressful circumstances in your life right now. It sounds overwhelming!” This allows your friend to feel heard and also gives her an opportunity to correct you if you are misunderstanding. Bonus, it also creates a sense of validation which is often what people are first looking for when they seek support. Save the suggestions and solutions for later.
This one might sound obvious, but for many of us it is difficult in practice: do not interrupt. I know the urge to respond often comes out of either excitement or “knowing where this is going,” but it signals to the other person that you don’t care what they have to say. Plus, you cannot read minds so to assume you always know where a person is going with a story is simply incorrect. If you make a mistake and interrupt, simply acknowledge, apologize, and allow the other person to continue.
John Gottman, a leader in relationship counseling and research, identified what he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four behaviors predict the likelihood of divorce with 90% accuracy. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. For the sake of time and relevance to this article, I am going to focus on defensiveness here. When your partner, or anyone for that matter, comes to you with concerns and you immediately defend yourself, you are not only telling them that they are wrong, but you are also very likely to put the blame back onto them which leads to an elevation in the conflict instead of a resolution. Rather, Gottman suggests that we practice taking responsibility for our role in the problem. For example, if your wife comes to you and says with frustration, “You forgot to take out the trash again!” Try responding, “You are right, I promised to take the trash out this morning and I forgot. I am sorry. I should have done that before I made myself busy with work. I will try to get in the habit of doing it before I sit down at my desk.” By taking responsibility, the other person feels heard and we avoid escalating the situation into a major conflict.
Lastly, if you are confused, ask questions to clarify once the other person has stopped talking and follow up if appropriate. A simple, “So how are you feeling about...?” shows an investment and genuine interest in what the person told you and their feelings in the situation.
For more personalized assistance with listening and communication in your relationships, give Good Therapy San Diego a call today. We help individuals, couples, and families improve their reflective (listening) and expressive (talking) communication skills to cultivate happiness in all relationships in life. Have a great day, listener!
The first and most important step to becoming a good listener is learning to be present. Notice what is coming up for you and if you catch yourself thinking of what you are going to say next, wondering what to make for dinner, or judging the person, pause and put the attention back on what they are saying. If this is really difficult for you, I would highly recommend starting an independent mindfulness/meditation practice. You might be surprised how much it helps in your day-to-day interactions and beyond!
Next, use reflective statements. If your friend tells you that she thinks her marriage is falling apart, her kids are driving her crazy, and work is really stressful, you can reply, “There are a lot of stressful circumstances in your life right now. It sounds overwhelming!” This allows your friend to feel heard and also gives her an opportunity to correct you if you are misunderstanding. Bonus, it also creates a sense of validation which is often what people are first looking for when they seek support. Save the suggestions and solutions for later.
This one might sound obvious, but for many of us it is difficult in practice: do not interrupt. I know the urge to respond often comes out of either excitement or “knowing where this is going,” but it signals to the other person that you don’t care what they have to say. Plus, you cannot read minds so to assume you always know where a person is going with a story is simply incorrect. If you make a mistake and interrupt, simply acknowledge, apologize, and allow the other person to continue.
John Gottman, a leader in relationship counseling and research, identified what he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four behaviors predict the likelihood of divorce with 90% accuracy. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. For the sake of time and relevance to this article, I am going to focus on defensiveness here. When your partner, or anyone for that matter, comes to you with concerns and you immediately defend yourself, you are not only telling them that they are wrong, but you are also very likely to put the blame back onto them which leads to an elevation in the conflict instead of a resolution. Rather, Gottman suggests that we practice taking responsibility for our role in the problem. For example, if your wife comes to you and says with frustration, “You forgot to take out the trash again!” Try responding, “You are right, I promised to take the trash out this morning and I forgot. I am sorry. I should have done that before I made myself busy with work. I will try to get in the habit of doing it before I sit down at my desk.” By taking responsibility, the other person feels heard and we avoid escalating the situation into a major conflict.
Lastly, if you are confused, ask questions to clarify once the other person has stopped talking and follow up if appropriate. A simple, “So how are you feeling about...?” shows an investment and genuine interest in what the person told you and their feelings in the situation.
For more personalized assistance with listening and communication in your relationships, give Good Therapy San Diego a call today. We help individuals, couples, and families improve their reflective (listening) and expressive (talking) communication skills to cultivate happiness in all relationships in life. Have a great day, listener!