From “I do” to “I’m done”: Can Marriage Survive Infidelity?
By Stephanie Rosenfeld, LMFT
So, the worst has happened. You come home one day and your wife or husband admits to being unfaithful. Or, you discover for yourself that your partner has been cheating on you. Your heart feels like it has dislodged itself from your chest, and your world suddenly feels as if it is rotating on a different axis.
Questions, second-guessing, disbelief, panic, pain, and more questions enter your mind.
Why is this happening? Why is this happening to ME?! What do I do now? Who is the other person? Is there something wrong with me? Can we survive this? These are all typical questions that people who find themselves with a cheating partner cycle through endlessly.
At this point I could imagine that you feel a myriad of emotions ranging from sadness, to anger, to shock, to confusion, to betrayal. These emotions can be all encompassing and paralyzing.
The Ultimate Betrayal
Many people describe infidelity as one of the greatest betrayals one can experience in a lifetime. Infidelity rattles a marriage to its core, and creates a devastating crack in the marriage’s foundation.
After the initial shock and devastation of the discovery or the revelation of the infidelity has passed the couple has some very challenging issues to face. This is the point where unhealthy marriages tend to fall apart. But does this always have to be the case? Can marriages withstand the devastation of infidelity?
The unfortunate reality is that while many marriages can survive infidelity, many do not. The good news is that when two people are willing to do the work, and are willing to be honest and try to find one another again, then marriages can survive this cataclysmic event. I have seen the most damaged of relationships return to a state of love, trust, and security, but it is not easy.
When helping a couple recover from infidelity, I find it important to frame the infidelity as a symptom of a larger problem. Meaning, people tend to use extramarital affairs as a way to negatively cope with perceived deficiencies within oneself, life, or marriage. In most cases, infidelity, by itself, is not what destroys a marriage. It is usually the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back in an already unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage. People who cheat are trying to escape uncomfortable truths about themselves or their marriage, and are often avoiding looking at their situation honestly. It is easy to distract oneself from problems by turning to sex with another person, but it is never the solution.
So, how does a couple recover from infidelity?
I believe one of the biggest factors in being able to heal a marriage is to act quickly and seek professional help at the first sign of trouble in a marriage or immediately after the infidelity is revealed. Couples should seek therapy as a first response, and not as a last ditch effort. If you act early you have a better chance of recovery, because it is very challenging to repair a marriage after years of neglect.
Another crucial part in mending a broken marriage is the idea that it takes two to repair a marriage. Both of you need to want to salvage the relationship, or at least want to try to make it work. Through the process of couples counseling you will explore the parts of your relationship that are working well, and examine the parts that are in need of help. Through honest conversation, and a willingness to change it is possible to regain trust and security again. Both parties will work on taking accountability for their part in the marriage’s problems, work on ways to minimize future unhealthy responses to each other and find healthy ways to cope with stress.
Deciding whether to stay or leave after infidelity is a very personal decision. I believe that there are ways to rebuild love, security and trust in your marriage again. The road might look dark now, but I assure you that with honesty and a willingness to try your marriage can survive, and many times evolve into a union that is healthier, safer, and more satisfying than ever before.
If you are facing infidelity in your marriage please reach out for help. Infidelity does not have to mean the end for your marriage. An experienced counselor can help guide you back to each other, and help you remember why you said “I do” in the first place.
Questions, second-guessing, disbelief, panic, pain, and more questions enter your mind.
Why is this happening? Why is this happening to ME?! What do I do now? Who is the other person? Is there something wrong with me? Can we survive this? These are all typical questions that people who find themselves with a cheating partner cycle through endlessly.
At this point I could imagine that you feel a myriad of emotions ranging from sadness, to anger, to shock, to confusion, to betrayal. These emotions can be all encompassing and paralyzing.
The Ultimate Betrayal
Many people describe infidelity as one of the greatest betrayals one can experience in a lifetime. Infidelity rattles a marriage to its core, and creates a devastating crack in the marriage’s foundation.
After the initial shock and devastation of the discovery or the revelation of the infidelity has passed the couple has some very challenging issues to face. This is the point where unhealthy marriages tend to fall apart. But does this always have to be the case? Can marriages withstand the devastation of infidelity?
The unfortunate reality is that while many marriages can survive infidelity, many do not. The good news is that when two people are willing to do the work, and are willing to be honest and try to find one another again, then marriages can survive this cataclysmic event. I have seen the most damaged of relationships return to a state of love, trust, and security, but it is not easy.
When helping a couple recover from infidelity, I find it important to frame the infidelity as a symptom of a larger problem. Meaning, people tend to use extramarital affairs as a way to negatively cope with perceived deficiencies within oneself, life, or marriage. In most cases, infidelity, by itself, is not what destroys a marriage. It is usually the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back in an already unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage. People who cheat are trying to escape uncomfortable truths about themselves or their marriage, and are often avoiding looking at their situation honestly. It is easy to distract oneself from problems by turning to sex with another person, but it is never the solution.
So, how does a couple recover from infidelity?
I believe one of the biggest factors in being able to heal a marriage is to act quickly and seek professional help at the first sign of trouble in a marriage or immediately after the infidelity is revealed. Couples should seek therapy as a first response, and not as a last ditch effort. If you act early you have a better chance of recovery, because it is very challenging to repair a marriage after years of neglect.
Another crucial part in mending a broken marriage is the idea that it takes two to repair a marriage. Both of you need to want to salvage the relationship, or at least want to try to make it work. Through the process of couples counseling you will explore the parts of your relationship that are working well, and examine the parts that are in need of help. Through honest conversation, and a willingness to change it is possible to regain trust and security again. Both parties will work on taking accountability for their part in the marriage’s problems, work on ways to minimize future unhealthy responses to each other and find healthy ways to cope with stress.
Deciding whether to stay or leave after infidelity is a very personal decision. I believe that there are ways to rebuild love, security and trust in your marriage again. The road might look dark now, but I assure you that with honesty and a willingness to try your marriage can survive, and many times evolve into a union that is healthier, safer, and more satisfying than ever before.
If you are facing infidelity in your marriage please reach out for help. Infidelity does not have to mean the end for your marriage. An experienced counselor can help guide you back to each other, and help you remember why you said “I do” in the first place.