7 Tips For Repairing Your Relationship After an Argument
Mallory Mitchell, LMFT
If your wedding was anything like mine, it included being given lots of advice. Mostly unsolicited. Some of the things that stand out most to me include, “don’t go to bed angry”, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, and my favorite, “happy wife, happy life.” While I can appreciate all those sentiments, especially the last, one piece of advice was missing: how do we repair our relationship after we have argued? The fact is, most people try to avoid an argument, when the importance is truly in how we resolve the argument.
Before we get into it, I want you to think back for a moment and pull up some childhood memories about the ways in which your family resolved arguments. Did you see your parents or caregivers argue, and if so, how did they resolve the arguments? When you got in trouble as a child, how did your parents or caregivers talk to you after your punishment was dealt? If you fought with siblings, how did you come together after the fight? I would be surprised if you had the Full House TV show moments that occurred at the end of every episode where you all sat down together, feelings were validated, everyone apologized, and you hugged. Instead, you probably learned not as healthy ways to move past it, which are more than likely replicating in your current relationships.
The reason that this all is important, is so we can avoid the development of contempt in our relationships. But what is contempt? It is the nasty cousin of resentment. Contempt happens when pain and hurt from arguments turns to negative thoughts about your partner and morphs in to lack of respect, disdain, and feelings of superiority. Contempt is severe, and according to the Gottman Institute and research conducted by John Gottman, is the number one predictor of divorce. Luckily, there are antidotes to contempt, but there are also ways to avoid it even developing, because nobody wants what contempt has to offer.
Attachment Theory and Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, outlines the importance of establishing a secure attachment in our relationships. A secure attachment in relationships is when we know we can count on our partner to be accessible and responsive to us. We can reach for closeness, and we feel comfortable in that closeness. When we have arguments or betray one another, we create attachment injuries and attachment wounds, and feel ultimately less secure and safe in our relationship. And just like if you were to have a deep cut on your arm, these wounds need help to heal so you do not have a huge scar. Which brings me to seven tips for repairing your relationship after an argument:
1. Focus on Your Feelings
The fight you and your partner have over and over again, is not actually the fight that you are having. You are not actually arguing about the fact that she is always late or he leaves the wet towel on the floor, or she does not get along with your mother, or he spends too much money, etc. I could go on and on. We all have (at least) one. The fight is actually about what happens emotionally for you when said event happens. Most likely you feel hurt, sad, or afraid, and because you do not express one of those primary emotions, it turns into anger. After the dust has settled in an argument, you want to communicate the underlying feelings and emotions, this helps to create understanding, and removes the layers of blame and anger.
2. Acknowledge Your Role
I like to think of couples therapy as individual therapy for two people, in the same room, at the same time. What I mean by this, is that to develop a genuinely great and meaningful relationship, we must first be willing to look within. If both members of a couple are willing to improve individually for the sake of the relationship, we are in a good place. What this looks like regarding repairing, is implementing the ability to tell the truth about your feelings (see tip #1) and taking responsibility for your own triggers and acknowledging if you didn’t handle them so well. Taking responsibility is owning that your partner did not make you feel hurt/sad/afraid, but instead taking a look at the role your own past experiences are playing in your current relationship.
3. Stay in The Present Moment
If you want to repair and reconnect from an argument, you want to focus on only that argument. Repair is not about bringing up every past issue and trying to solve the big problems in your relationship. The goal in repairing from an argument is to nurture the connection that you have, and to maintain a secure attachment. If you can begin to come together with your partner after a disagreement and conflict, you will create the tools necessary to start to conquer the bigger issues. So for now, focus only on the issue at hand. When you are both calm, feeling reconnected and secure, that is when you want to tackle the larger issues.
4. There Is No Winner (Or Loser)
On my wedding day, my father told my husband that the two most important words in marriage are “Yes Dear.” While I appreciate the sentiment, I think three more important words are “I am sorry.” When we say “I’m sorry,” we are able to continue with the idea of acknowledging our role. But even more important, to take responsibility for our role in an argument, we need to be able to move away from the idea of right and wrong. There is the saying, “You can be right, or you can be married.” If we are so committed to being right, it means that the other person is wrong, which in turn can only lead to the development of contempt. Remember, your partner is not your adversary, they are your partner, and you are on the same team. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t concede fault and blame, as there is no room for fault in blame in a happy union.
5. Speak Your Partner’s Language
To help nurture love following a conflict, it is important to build on the emotional connection that you and your partner have. To help ensure that you are truly nurturing connection in a way that your partner can receive it, you want to first identify your partner’s love language. So often in relationships we find ourselves missing the bids at connection that are partner is providing, and likewise they miss ours. Gary Chapman outlines Five Love Languages: words of affirmation, acts of kindness, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. The idea is that we each receive and ultimately show love in different ways. Identify your partner’s love language and speak that language following an argument to help come together.
6. Get Physical
Oxytocin is commonly referred to as the “Love Hormone” and is a naturally occurring substance in our brain that makes us feel warm and fuzzy when we are with someone we love. It is responsible for feelings of love and trust, and who does not love that feeling? While the largest surges of oxytocin between couples happen following an orgasm, the hormone is also released when we cuddle, hug, and kiss. You may not be ready to have sex immediately following an argument, but it can be helpful to have some sort of positive physical contact with your partner to help get those neurotransmitters moving again.
7. Seek Help
If you were to cut your arm so deep that you cannot stop the bleeding, chances are you would go to the Emergency Room to get stitches. As your stitches were healing, you would probably put ointment on your arm to prevent the scab from turning into an unsightly scar. If a scar developed, you may even see a dermatologist or plastic surgeon to help in the healing process. Similarly, if you have found that you are unable to heal and repair following arguments and conflict, help is there for you. At Good Therapy San Diego, we can help you and your partner create the meaningful connection you both deserve.
Hopefully this article has provided some insight into repairing your relationship after an argument. For more questions or to get started with one of our couples therapists, please visit us at Good Therapy San Diego or give one of our Patient Care Coordinators a call at (619) 330-9500. We would be happy to help make the process easy and exciting!
Before we get into it, I want you to think back for a moment and pull up some childhood memories about the ways in which your family resolved arguments. Did you see your parents or caregivers argue, and if so, how did they resolve the arguments? When you got in trouble as a child, how did your parents or caregivers talk to you after your punishment was dealt? If you fought with siblings, how did you come together after the fight? I would be surprised if you had the Full House TV show moments that occurred at the end of every episode where you all sat down together, feelings were validated, everyone apologized, and you hugged. Instead, you probably learned not as healthy ways to move past it, which are more than likely replicating in your current relationships.
The reason that this all is important, is so we can avoid the development of contempt in our relationships. But what is contempt? It is the nasty cousin of resentment. Contempt happens when pain and hurt from arguments turns to negative thoughts about your partner and morphs in to lack of respect, disdain, and feelings of superiority. Contempt is severe, and according to the Gottman Institute and research conducted by John Gottman, is the number one predictor of divorce. Luckily, there are antidotes to contempt, but there are also ways to avoid it even developing, because nobody wants what contempt has to offer.
Attachment Theory and Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, outlines the importance of establishing a secure attachment in our relationships. A secure attachment in relationships is when we know we can count on our partner to be accessible and responsive to us. We can reach for closeness, and we feel comfortable in that closeness. When we have arguments or betray one another, we create attachment injuries and attachment wounds, and feel ultimately less secure and safe in our relationship. And just like if you were to have a deep cut on your arm, these wounds need help to heal so you do not have a huge scar. Which brings me to seven tips for repairing your relationship after an argument:
1. Focus on Your Feelings
The fight you and your partner have over and over again, is not actually the fight that you are having. You are not actually arguing about the fact that she is always late or he leaves the wet towel on the floor, or she does not get along with your mother, or he spends too much money, etc. I could go on and on. We all have (at least) one. The fight is actually about what happens emotionally for you when said event happens. Most likely you feel hurt, sad, or afraid, and because you do not express one of those primary emotions, it turns into anger. After the dust has settled in an argument, you want to communicate the underlying feelings and emotions, this helps to create understanding, and removes the layers of blame and anger.
2. Acknowledge Your Role
I like to think of couples therapy as individual therapy for two people, in the same room, at the same time. What I mean by this, is that to develop a genuinely great and meaningful relationship, we must first be willing to look within. If both members of a couple are willing to improve individually for the sake of the relationship, we are in a good place. What this looks like regarding repairing, is implementing the ability to tell the truth about your feelings (see tip #1) and taking responsibility for your own triggers and acknowledging if you didn’t handle them so well. Taking responsibility is owning that your partner did not make you feel hurt/sad/afraid, but instead taking a look at the role your own past experiences are playing in your current relationship.
3. Stay in The Present Moment
If you want to repair and reconnect from an argument, you want to focus on only that argument. Repair is not about bringing up every past issue and trying to solve the big problems in your relationship. The goal in repairing from an argument is to nurture the connection that you have, and to maintain a secure attachment. If you can begin to come together with your partner after a disagreement and conflict, you will create the tools necessary to start to conquer the bigger issues. So for now, focus only on the issue at hand. When you are both calm, feeling reconnected and secure, that is when you want to tackle the larger issues.
4. There Is No Winner (Or Loser)
On my wedding day, my father told my husband that the two most important words in marriage are “Yes Dear.” While I appreciate the sentiment, I think three more important words are “I am sorry.” When we say “I’m sorry,” we are able to continue with the idea of acknowledging our role. But even more important, to take responsibility for our role in an argument, we need to be able to move away from the idea of right and wrong. There is the saying, “You can be right, or you can be married.” If we are so committed to being right, it means that the other person is wrong, which in turn can only lead to the development of contempt. Remember, your partner is not your adversary, they are your partner, and you are on the same team. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t concede fault and blame, as there is no room for fault in blame in a happy union.
5. Speak Your Partner’s Language
To help nurture love following a conflict, it is important to build on the emotional connection that you and your partner have. To help ensure that you are truly nurturing connection in a way that your partner can receive it, you want to first identify your partner’s love language. So often in relationships we find ourselves missing the bids at connection that are partner is providing, and likewise they miss ours. Gary Chapman outlines Five Love Languages: words of affirmation, acts of kindness, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. The idea is that we each receive and ultimately show love in different ways. Identify your partner’s love language and speak that language following an argument to help come together.
6. Get Physical
Oxytocin is commonly referred to as the “Love Hormone” and is a naturally occurring substance in our brain that makes us feel warm and fuzzy when we are with someone we love. It is responsible for feelings of love and trust, and who does not love that feeling? While the largest surges of oxytocin between couples happen following an orgasm, the hormone is also released when we cuddle, hug, and kiss. You may not be ready to have sex immediately following an argument, but it can be helpful to have some sort of positive physical contact with your partner to help get those neurotransmitters moving again.
7. Seek Help
If you were to cut your arm so deep that you cannot stop the bleeding, chances are you would go to the Emergency Room to get stitches. As your stitches were healing, you would probably put ointment on your arm to prevent the scab from turning into an unsightly scar. If a scar developed, you may even see a dermatologist or plastic surgeon to help in the healing process. Similarly, if you have found that you are unable to heal and repair following arguments and conflict, help is there for you. At Good Therapy San Diego, we can help you and your partner create the meaningful connection you both deserve.
Hopefully this article has provided some insight into repairing your relationship after an argument. For more questions or to get started with one of our couples therapists, please visit us at Good Therapy San Diego or give one of our Patient Care Coordinators a call at (619) 330-9500. We would be happy to help make the process easy and exciting!